The Infernals/ Hell's Bells

In Which We Find Ourselves in

Hell, but Only Temporarily, So

It’s Not All Bad News

THE PLACE GENERALLY REFERRED to as Hell but also known variously as Hades, the

Kingdom of Fire, Old Nick’s Place, 1 and assorted other names designed to indicate

that this is not somewhere in which you might want to spend eternity, let alone a short

vacation, was in a state of turmoil. Its ruler, its dark king, was unwell, and by “unwell”

I mean mad as a parade of March hares.

The source of all Evil, the ancient thing that hid itself in the darkest part of

Hell, also had many names, but his followers called him the Great Malevolence. He

wished for many things: he wished for every star in every universe to be snuffed out

like candle flames between his fingers; he wished for all beauty to cease to be; he

wished for cold, and blackness, and a great silence that would last forever.

Most of all, he wished for the end of mankind. He had grown weary of trying

to corrupt every human being, one by one, because it was time-consuming, and

frustrating, and a lot of human beings continued to defy him by being decent and

kind. While he hadn’t exactly decided to give up on his efforts entirely, it just seemed

easier to destroy the Earth and have done with it, and so he had come up with a plan.

At the time, it had seemed like a very good plan, and as far as the Great Malevolence

and his followers had been concerned, there was absolutely no way that it could go

wrong. None whatsoever. Not a chance. This plan positively and without a shadow of

a doubt could not fail.

Naturally, it failed spectacularly.

Now, for those of you who may not be entirely familiar with our story so far,

here is a chance for you to catch up. 2 When last we met, the Great Malevolence, aided

by the demon known as Ba’al, was trying to harness the power of the Large Hadron

Collider in order to open the gates of Hell and force his way into our world. The LHC

was a massive particle accelerator in Switzerland designed to re-create the moments

after the Big Bank that brought our universe into being. In other words, the LHC was

dealing with very primal forces indeed, and buried somewhere in those primal forces

was the seed of Evil. Thus it was that the Collider created a fissure between worlds,

and the Great Malevolence saw his chance.

Ba’al, his most trusted servant, passed through a portal connecting Hell to

Erath, and disguised itself as a woman named Mrs. Abernathy in Biddlecombe,

England, having first killed the original Mrs. Abernathy and taken on her appearance.

At the last minute, just as the Great Malevolence and his armies were about to take

over the Earth, Mrs. Abernathy’s plans were spoiled by a small boy named Samuel

Johnson, his dachshund Boswell, and an inept, although well-meaning, demon named

Nurd, the Scourge of Five Deities. The Great Malevolence blamed Mrs. Abernathy for

this, and as a result was now refusing to meet with her, causing her much humiliation

and not a little concern for her future.

All clear? Good.

1 Not to be confused with St. Nick’s Place, which is the North Pole. You don’t want to make that

mistake, and end up selling your soul to Santa.

2 And by the way, what kind of person are you, reading the second part of a series before the first? I

mean, really? Do you put on your shoes before your socks, or put your pants on before your

underwear? Now the rest of the readers have to hang around, whistling and examining their

fingernails in a bored manner, while I give you special treatment. I bet you’re the sort who arrives

halfway through the movie, spilling your popcorn and standing on toes, then taps the bloke next to

you on the shoulder and says, “Have I missed anything?” It’s people like you who cause unrest . . .